Why Can't I Get Past All This?

Spring is here. The weather has been perfect. The yard is shaping up. The orchard is full of color and life. And I'm all depressed. I HATE it. I know only I can change it, but My God, it's hard to move on sometimes. I was not going to write, but many times writing it all out seems to be the only way for me to start moving forward again.

All the recent news about sexual abuse in the Church is difficult but most difficult is the news that hits home. Over the past few years I've been sort of following the news about Fr. Maciel, the Legion of Christ, and particularly, Regnum Christi. Over the years I've been closely involved with people in RC; in fact, no one knows how close I came to joining. I've always been a person that needs to belong to something. I need a tribe. So I go looking. That's how I found RC. For whatever reason, thankfully, something held me back from taking that final plunge. It was that something that never settled quite right with me. Plus, Tim had no interest whatsoever in it, and they were always after both of us although I think they would have taken me alone.

Anyway, for years I've been very closely involved with RC people even though I never joined. I helped with their groups, meetings, etc. My children were involved with their groups: Kids 4 Jesus, Familia, Challenge. I attended their women's meetings for some time. They were my support group even though I stayed on the sidelines. These people were my friends. I care about them. And what I see now absolutely sickens me.

They refuse to acknowledge the truth. Of course, RC still controls what goes into their minds. They read the RC communiques carefully and do whatever they're told. When they're told not to read certain authors, newspapers, blogs, they don't read. Still! How can you overlook and excuse the truth. One family still has Maciel's picture prominently displayed on their dining room wall. I was just reading a blog entry by another friend who was stating how much they still loved and respected Maciel for all the good he had done. Another friend was writing how we're not in a place to judge as we're all sinners. (Yes, we're all sinners but how many of us sexually abuse children, take money of people we've hoodwinked and build an empire?) Many are still hanging onto the fact that John Paul II loved Fr. Maciel, and of course, JPII could never be wrong.

Where does all this take me? Back to religion. The power religion has over people. I'm beginning to think that religion is the most powerful influence that has ever existed. Religion doesn't just deal with life here on earth; it deals with your eternal life. Hell or Paradise with God. Think of that power. Incredible. For several years I've viewed religion as neutral, neither good nor bad. It's power can go either way - great good or great evil. There has been great good done, and there has been great evil done. The deciding factor is human nature. Humans use religion for their own purposes. If there wasn't religion, humans would find some other means to get what they desire.

I'm beginning to wonder now if religion is as impotent, on its own, as I've made it in my mind. Now I wonder if religion, by its very nature of separating and dividing, doesn't tend to bring out the negatives in our nature. We desire to be right, for our truth to be the Truth, and for that to happen we need to be able to point to those who are wrong, whose truth is not the Truth. Religion does that for us.

These are my own personal experiences. How I experienced religion. When I said I was sickened by behavior of friends, what truly sickened me was the knowledge that behavior was my behavior and could still, very easily, be my behavior. I see myself so clearly in them. That is what appalls me and frightens me. I feel as a recovered alcoholic might feel: one drink might land me right back in the gutter. I do not want to fall of the wagon.

Funeral Thoughts

This has been one of those weeks you don't want to repeat. I'm not sleeping well, my back aches, plus I get so hot I'm tempted to turn on the AC expect for the fact that my husband is snuggled under the down comforter. It seems everyday there has been an interruption, and then last night Tim's mom called to let him know that a man he attended school with for 12 years was killed in a tragic accident. So today found us at his funeral. It was odd - looking around at all the familiar faces it seemed as though it should be a high school reunion, but instead everyone was gathered together to say good-bye to a 52 year old man.

What I hate hearing most at times such as this is 'it's God's will' or 'it must have been his time'. Doesn't work for me. God's will. What a damn cop out. Life is full of tragic accidents, illnesses, untimely deaths. Let's just blame some God that sits up there in heaven for everything. It's just life. The good and the bad. For those people who believe it's God's will, I hope it is a balm for them, that it helps them in their grief. When I have tried to find answers for suffering, unhappiness, grief, it has driven me crazy to the point of depression.

More and more I'm feeling at peace with just letting it be - letting the mystery be. Suffering is. Death is. At the same time happiness is. Joy is. Instead of wasting precious time, of which I don't have enough, in trying to figure out why there is suffering or tragic deaths, I would rather spend my time living each day fully. Enjoying and taking pleasure in EVERY SINGLE MOMENT I HAVE HERE ON EARTH. I want to spend my time listening and being with people/God (same thing for me). No need to go looking for sacrifices - they will present themselves in a way you will not be able to say no to. They'll come.

The one thing funerals seem to scream at me is: slow down, simplify, live slowly and fully, love fully. There is enough in the world that needs love to keep you occupied until the day you die. Actually, Tim and I are doing pretty well. I think we are. Our lives move rather slowly, we don't need a lot, we're a pretty simple couple. We have time - so much more now that's he's not working. Time. Once you sell it, it's gone. All you've got in exchange is the amount for which you agreed to sell it. What a poor substitute. This is my own private revolution against our culture. I will fight it tooth and nail. They can keep their high standard of living, their big, gas guzzling SUV's, huge homes and all the rest of it. And I'll keep my time.

Funerals do have a way of keeping life in perspective.

Sacred Things

Every once in a while I come across something that just speaks of God to me. This blog and its owner shout out 'God'. His compassion, love, generosity and spirit makes my soul swell to the point I think it might burst. Even if one isn't religious or spiritual, I have to think they would be touched. So do yourself a favor, and visit his blog. You will be impacted and challenged.

I've been feeling down lately. There has been more nastiness going on in my extended world. Why oh why do people have to look for reasons to exclude other people? And what gives you more reasons than you need to exclude someone? Religion, of course. Every time it happens, I feel as though I've slugged in my soul. How do you get away from it? Or how do you become immune to it?

On a much happier note, my daughter and son-in-law are here. It looks as though my daughter will be staying and looking for a job. As soon as she finds a job, her husband will be moving here; he is currently a long-haul truck driver. They were planning on moving here by this summer anyway since my daughter will be starting school again in the fall, but if she has a job, it will be much easier for her hubby to quit.

My beautiful daughter and handsome son-in-law. I love them both so much. Isn't it wonderful the way families grow?

My two oldest, beautiful daughters (actually I have five beautiful daughters). Sisters and best friends. I do feel proud and accomplished. Plus, I really like them. A couple of wonderful young women.

Out With the New...

and in with the old. I have been known to get rid of new items in favor of old ones. New items don't have stories. They're empty. They have yet to be handled by human hands, used, adored or even disliked. I much prefer 'things' that have been used, that have memories. Even if it's something I picked up at a thrift store, and never knew who owned before me, I can still fill in memories with my imagination. I have quite a few things that belonged to my mom and dad. There are many items I let slip through my fingers after my dad died. At the time I thought I was avoiding issues, but I so wish I kept some of them. But who knows. Maybe they are now sitting on someone's shelf who appreciates used items with spirit.



My mom and dad had this bowl for as long as I can remember. Perhaps they used it in the restaurant they owned at the time I was born. I have vivid memories of my dad eating popcorn out of this bowl. This is the bowl he always used for his sourdough pancakes, and it is now used for my sourdough pancakes.


My dad's grill. My newer grill burned out, but his old grill still cooks up a good batch of pancakes.



And we will eat the pancakes on plates that belonged to my parents on a table that was in their kitchen. This is the table where my parents argued over the crossword puzzle every morning: mom always got it first so she could get her few answers in before dad finished it up. This is the table where I ate the last dinner my mom ever cooked. This is the table where I sat with my dad, crying, the morning after mom died.

See what I mean? They have stories. They have memories. These are sacred items.

Coming Out....

There's one message board I visit daily. Mainly, it's a place for me to discuss curriculum. In addition there's a general forum where people just chat - sometimes pleasantly, sometimes not so pleasantly. I would guess the breakdown on the board is probably 80% conservative Christian, 10% the other kind of Christians (not fundamentalist, more liberal) and 10% non-Christian. It's not a religious board, but since it's for homeschoolers, that's the reality. The secular homeschooling population is quickly growing, and it's likely that representation on the board is more than 10%, but not everyone posts regularly so it's hard to tell.

Recently there has been a flood of religious posts most of which end up getting closed. I think the moderation is a little strict, since we're all adults, but it's their message board. In the past, in religious threads, I have identified myself as a Catholic Christian. I've also been involved in discussions where I've talked about my journey. Yesterday, someone asked non-Christians (Pagans, Buddhists, Wiccans, etc.) to talk about their beliefs. Well, I did it. I posted about the quiz I took and little about how my belief in 'God' has changed over the years.

That might seem like a little thing, but it was a huge step for me. It was with anxiety and some fear that I clicked submit. It's not at all unusual for the 'louder' of the conservative Christian group to jump in and, not discuss, but argue. It goes without saying that they are absolutely, without a doubt, right, and everyone else is wrong, so having a enlightening discussion is a forlorn hope. Just to say I'm feeling rather proud of myself right now. One step at a time: first, be honest with yourself and branch out from there.

One other thing. Last night we went to another parish for Mass (due to the main road being blocked heading north). The pastor of this parish has the reputation of being the most liberal priest around - with our regular pastor coming in second. The main point of all this is: I loved his sermon. In all my years I had never heard the parable of The Prodigal Son explain in such a way. I felt full of love when I walked out. Even more than that, I felt so full of love and felt so sure that God is Love that I even went to communion which I haven't been doing for some time. I'm going to quit here before I start talking about something that will depress me.

Forward Progress

A year ago there was a poll posted on a message board I visit. It led you to beliefnet.com where you can complete a survey, and it will match you with the right faith according to your beliefs. I remember struggling with the questions – my finger tapping the mouse nervously, moving the pointer between the ‘right’ answer and my answer. In the end I chickened out and clicked the ‘right’ answer. When I completed it, I clicked submit, and what do you think? I passed the test. Yes, it was a test for me: to see if I could be faithful in my answers even when my mind was in total doubt. It matched me to Roman Catholicism 100%. The next was Eastern Orthodox.

This week this same survey popped up in a thread I was involved in. I clicked over there and stared at the questions. I was nervous. I think my clicking finger was shaking. I took a deep breath, closed my eyes and clicked. This time, not the ‘right’ answer, but my answer, from my heart. Moved on to the next question and did the same. It wasn’t easy. I felt cold all over. Is this how a traitor feels? But I did it and clicked submit. My eyes were squeezed shut because I was still afraid to see the verdict. Would I pass or would I fail. Or would I be able to recognize failure as my own personal victory? I opened my eyes slowly, and there it was before me. My feelings were all over the place. There was no going back. I must move forward. So I will publicize it. Tell the truth to the whole internet world, which is relatively safe, since my entire internet world here consists of a handful of people. Braver than I was a year ago.

100% - Neo-Pagan
98% - Liberal Quaker

And at the very bottom…

Eastern Orthodox and
Roman Catholic

I think they both had around 2%.

So, what do I do with this? Neo-Pagan? Hmmm. I know some very nice Pagan people on line. This helps. My favorite sister-in-law is a liberal Quaker, and I don’t think there is a nicer, more compassionate, respectful person walking the earth right now. Okay. Pretty good company so far.

This time I was honest, or as honest as you can be with multiple choice answers that don’t quite pinpoint you. Still, it wasn’t the answer I wanted. You see, I want to answer the questions honestly, from my soul, but I want the answer on the bottom to be on the top. But it doesn’t work that way. If I’m honest, I don’t get the result I want. To get the result I want, I have to ignore my heart, my mind, my reason. Is that what belief and faith amount to? So I felt sad.

Then I felt happy. I had passed a big hurdle. I had passed a personal test. It took courage and resolve and faith. Faith in myself.

I’m moving forward.