Saturday, June 6, 2009

My husband's bil has been fighting cancer for about five years. At first it looked like he might have it beat, but as is so often the case with cancer, it was still there, waiting for the right time to make a sneak attack. I'm not being flippant. That's the way it looks to me. He passed away a couple weeks ago, and we had his funeral last weekend. Tim and I drove north with two of his brothers and left the girls at home.

We were able to stay with his oldest brother and his wife in their cabin in the mountains. I always come back from there feeling as though I've touched heaven. His brother said he figures when he dies he won't have to go anywhere. Love his attitude. In spite of us gathering together to bury his bil, it was a good visit. All Tim's siblings (minus two) were there so there was a lot of visiting, eating, singing and reminiscing. We had a couple great conversations about life and all those big ideas.

On the other hand, it was a difficult weekend. Tom (bil) left behind his wife (Tim's sister) of 34 years and a son and his new wife. Tim's sister and her dh not only lived together, they worked together, built their business together, built their house together. Everything. She is going to be so alone. Such a helpless feeling knowing what she's going through and realizing how little you can really do. She had a lot of support the last couple weeks, but that will fade away. She does have a very active church group, and I hope they're there for her. The only family is the brother we stayed with. I can't even try to imagine what it feels like because it frightens me - being alone.

I have never attended a funeral like this one. After briefly talking about Tom's life, they spent the rest of the time telling everyone how they must accept Jesus as their savior; how nothing would make Tom happier than to know people turned to the Lord during his funeral; how the only way to paradise - if we ever want to see Tom again - is to accept Jesus. Then they asked us to pray 'the prayer'! We were preached to. Then the minister said if anyone accepted the Lord, to please let someone know so they could keep track. Keep track?

It bothered me - which probably says I have a big problem - which I do. We went there to celebrate Tom's life, not to be evangelized. It seemed that we were a captive audience and they took advantage of it. I felt offended. I don't like feeling that way. It was not guilt. It made me angry. But I don't want to feel angry towards anyone. I want to let people live the way they need to, wherever they are on their journey. It should not offend me. So I left the funeral realizing I still have such a very, very long way to go. For every two steps I take forward, I take one back. Or maybe three back. Alas.

So I've been pondering death, heaven, hell, salvation. Basically, driving myself nuts, as usual. I walked away from that funeral believing less than when I walked in. Not what the people in that church wanted. I would sure disappoint them.

How sad it must be to die believing that some people, family, friends, that you love dearly, you will never see again because they will be in hell. Just how depressing.

We are taking the girls on a short trip tomorrow, probably just one or two nights. The girls are so excited to be getting away; truthfully, Tim and I are pretty excited, too.

3 comments:

Kathryn Knoll said...

Of course, this topic is the big one: Why did we come here and why and where do we "go" when we finish what we came to do? Who are we anyway? That is what Jesus' life was all about, too, but the interpretations of why and who and how are so numerous it is confusing. You have the people that feel it is their sworn duty to save the rest of us by serving up their brand of the truth and saying it's an exclusive club. There are things you have to do to belong; stuff you have to proclaim and all, to be in good standing. This is what we have to contend with when we recognize we are not here by ourselves, but that this is a journey we take together. Becoming clear and at peace with our walk, confident that it is true and right for us is the only way. We will always meet those who have a different "take" on the truth.

I know from my own experiences that the people you described have a very narrow understanding of what is possible. I do not base what I know from something I read in a book or hear on the news or hear from the pulpit or classroom lecture. It is a knowing from experience. It keeps me balanced and at peace to affirm this. We each have to find our way. Heaven is really where we stand and how we perceive and experience our life. There is a greater part of ourselves that is invisible to the little Avatar self trying to move through all of this. That greater self is eternal and is eternally with the One who Created us. We experience and know that Creator according to the capacity we have developed through our time in existence, learning how to be open to the generous outpouring of the Creator. The more we fear the unknown, the more we create a smaller space for the indwelling Divine.

I love your search. You are feeling the pull of the Spirit in you for more and you are questioning. This will bring you to new possibilities and, I think, a more satsifying experience of this here and now you call your life. You are not alone, you know. 21 years ago many women just like you started showing up in my life with the same questions and wonderings, the same realization that there was more and they wanted to be freer people. So I set up a sanctuary for exploration and learning together called Sophia Center. Women have been finding us ever since. Now we have a virtual meeting place in Second Life because many, like you, do not live close to the Real Life center. It is my hope that women like you can find one another and begin to connect so they can gain new understandings and experience more freedom to open up to the Grace of God (however one may name the Divine Presence) and know a new freedom. For some, Church works, religion is a comfort. For many many others it is a confinement right now. If you don't have anyone to talk to about this stuff, you can join us in Second Life or just feel free to e-mail me. Keep on keeping on!

Miss Robyn said...

I hate that some times they preach at funerals.. we buried my brother in law just a month ago.. sameo-same0 -cancer... but his funeral was a celebration of his life, it was wonderful..
I am frightened too, of being alone.. not in the normal sense but of my gorgeous soul mate passing before me.. losing him is what i fear.
You and I seem so very similar... email me anytime.. we can support each other on our journeys..
I don't believe in hell.. my wise old grandma said hell was here on earth.. ha!
ps - do you get Daily Om emails? if not, let me know and I will send a link, they are fantastic and I am often amazed how relevant they are when they arrive in my email box.. they are fre

Kathryn Knoll said...

Miss R and I both meet in Second Life. Wish you could join us. We could talk about many of these things together and be connected in a stronger way.