I often ponder why it is that I seem incapable of trusting myself with my own spiritual journey. For crying out loud, I'm 49 years old. I've been married, successfully, for 24 years; I've given birth to 5 children, two grown and gone from home; I've buried both my parents; I've worked through grief. I have trusted myself to make many big decisions, decisions which could have had huge ramifications for my family. I've made decisions about my career, I've made big financial decisions, I've made parenting decisions (the biggest ones yet), I even made the decision to educate my children myself. I've trusted myself in making decisions that impact others' lives. Yet when it comes to trusting myself to find my own way spiritually, I end up feeling totally inadequate, not capable, not trustworthy.
All my life I was told to stand on my own two feet, make my own decisions, think for myself. I come from a long line of very strong women. Women who made their own decisions and made their own way. Liberated before their time women. Yet, when it came to matters of faith, I never heard that lesson. Yes, I was told I had to make my own decisions and that I had free will, but underneath those words you fully understood that the decision of faith had only two outcomes: truth and the right way or lies and the wrong way. So in the end, you weren't really free since if you made a choice other than the true one, you would find yourself headed to hell. It's so easy to say 'you need to follow your own conscience but if you choose anything else than our way, your damned'. Yeah, lot to choose from.
Add to that the belief that I was flawed, weak, given to sin, easily led astray by any temptation, and that the only way I could ensure my soul was safe was to follow the teachings of the church, irregardless of whether I understood or believed them, I'm pretty much crippled when it comes to trusting my inner voice. The last time I discussed this with another person, his strong suggestion was that I find myself a spiritual adviser, and quick. They would listen, make sure I wasn't falling into error, and it would be someone on the side of my soul. The suggestion didn't help much. Sure, go to someone, bare my soul, have them tell me I'm being led astray (as I know they would if they were a devout Catholic - they would have no choice), that I need to keep believing in spite of my doubt. That I need to humble myself and be obedient to the church's teachings. Basically, don't' listen to your own voice, it's not trustworthy. No thank you. I've already been there.
Of course, I've been surrounded by ultra-conservative, radical, orthodox Catholics. The real Catholics. Not those false Catholics that are trying to tear down the church. Yeah, whatever. I have completely removed myself from them. Still, I can't shake it. I've given very brief thought to asking our Pastor if he would give me a little time. This is a priest that those conservative Catholics run from as though he's the devil incarnate. However, I'm not very comfortable with him. He's not, or certainly doesn't seem, approachable. Frankly, I don't want to talk to anyone that has all the answers. Lately, every Christian I meet, has all the answers. The truth is their way.
I think it's time for me to grow up and start accepting responsibility for my own faith life, whether right or wrong. It's time to quit blaming others for my inability to trust myself. I have the power to choose to listen to myself, find my own God, a God that I'm comfortable with. In fact, I do believe it is each person's own responsibility to do this, to be personally responsible for what they believe.
I just wish I could embrace this journey with excitement and without fear.
5 comments:
Again, if you wanted this to be your own secret blog I'm sorry, but you didn't comment on mine so now I consider it fair game. If you don't want my comments you can just delete them and that's fine with me. Buuuut...you happened you raise me to be an independent and brilliant person who speaks there mind. Thusly I am commenting anyway.
First of all, I love you. I couldn't think of anyone else in all of the world and fiction that I would rather have for a mom.
This is why I hate organized religion. Yes, hate. I can see how it has some good things for people who are really lost and need something like that, but that also could be because they're raised in a way to think that they need something like that and raised to think they are lost and weak without a religion. But anyways. This is what it does, it breeds fear in people and uses that to essentially control their lives, and they're scared until they die. It gives them a false sense of knowledge and faith. And some people can float by their whole lives on that false sense and die knowing they're right and going to heaven...I guess that can work for some people, but I don't want to die thinking I know things that I really don't and I sure as heck don't want to live my life being a stuck up, preaching, know it all. You know?
I don't want you to be scared because really, I think, there's no reason to be. All of the scary stories about hell and do this but don't do that, but you can do this if circumstances or like this, and god is a really mean guy who did this and this and this...inventions of man.
I like to think god doesn't care about all the stuff man says he does. I like to think as long as you are a good person it doesn't matter if you go to church every week and do everything else those religious people say you need to. As long as you are good, if there is a nice place after you die, you'll probably end up. And if those fanatics are right, then you probably don't want to end up in their "heaven" anyways because it'll be like a posh country club full of self righteous pricks, just like them.
I have a lot more thoughts but I can't really figure a way to put them into words.
You're free to read and comment. I appreciate your comments. I've had this blog for a couple years, maybe. I leave it for awhile, then come back to it when I feel getting something off my chest.
I have a lot of thoughts on religion, god, faith, belief vs. knowledge and all sorts of things.
I do agree that religion was created by man to fill a need, give answers, make them feel safe. However, I think religion, in and of itself, is pretty benign. It's what man does with it that either causes bad or good. Man has used religion for much good, and as we all know, man uses religion as a vehicle to oppress, manipulate, control, separate them from us, to pass blame. It's a great vehicle to use to oppress people when you control their eternal salvation.
I do find much comfort in Catholicism, but not in the doctrine and teachings. What I find comfort in is the connection with other people, the traditions that bind us together. The humanity part. I don't know if that makes any sense to you. People for hundreds of years have been praying the same prayers, practicing the same religious observances and devotions. It's the connection and history I feel drawn to. All world religions have that, their own story, mythologies, history, and I do think that is an important part of culture.
Sometimes I think (at the risk of people seeing how silly I am) that Christianity is at a precipice. The church (meaning Christianity) needs to evolve. I think many people, excluding fundamentalists, are moving forward towards a deeper sense of unity. They're looking for what connects them, not what separates them. And the church is not keeping up. She is firmly stuck back there.... It's hard to explain, and it's just what I feel and sense. Sometimes I'm not even sure what I mean. Trying to figure it all out.
Oh, and by the way, I can't think of anyone I would rather have for a daughter than you. Free thinker that you are.
Oh, and unlike many people we know, I'm open to new ideas (even radical ones) and freely admit I don't know it all. In fact, I know very little.
I like what Rachael says. In fact, it reminds me of a bumper sticker I saw once: "Jesus save me from your followers!" We are at a very unique time at the moment where there are breakthroughs on many fronts. God and Religion is getting looked at by many people who are intelligent and well read. We no longer need someone else to do our thinking for us. You are being led by The Spirit and you are listening. I applaud you. You are not alone. When you go inside you will hear The Divine speaking to you in the depths of your being and no one can tell you what it means but you.Keep going! Let me cheer you on!
I have driven myself (and many others), nuts over the past many years trying to work all of this out.. what has helped me most is a book called Simple Abundance. nothing to do with religion at all.. but all about finding your authentic self... it is written by Sarah Ban Breathnach and another of her books: Romancing the Ordinary..
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