My mind was wandering yesterday as I was pondering all the thoughts that have been bombarding me lately. I was trying to see why I'm so uncomfortable trying to speak to my husband about what I'm thinking. Just now I went back and read that long diatribe I wrote yesterday, and while it is true from my perspective, I think it is also true that I'm afraid to open up. My husband married this dedicated, loyal, to the letter of the law type Catholic woman, and he probably thought that was what I would remain. I think I'm afraid of him being disappointed with me, feeling as though I let him down, that I've betrayed him somehow. I'm afraid of how he will receive what I'm going through.
After dinner last night I told him I really needed to say some things to him. I was embarrassed and timid, plus I didn't want to make him feel he needed to get defensive - which I'm not good at. But I finally just dove in. He listened. He let me talk. He looked at me with concern and love. When I told him I could not teach catechism to the younger girls, he didn't get upset. He asked me what I could do, I said I could teach them about this God that is full of love, that we need to open up to this awesome spirit that connects all of us. I said I couldn't focus on heaven, hell, mortal sin, rewards or punishments, but I could focus on how we treat all people. I said I couldn't teach that the bible was divinely inspired, but that it was written by men who were trying to find answers to their own lives, trying to find their way and make sense out of the sufferings. He nodded his head. Then we talked some more, and I mentioned to him some of the questions/problems I have with traditional Christianity, and he nodded. Then he told me he had some questions himself, but that if he didn't think about them, and I didn't mention them, he could ignore them. I smiled because I knew that. We went for another walk. And I felt safe with sharing my intimate thoughts with him. It's been a long time since I felt safe doing that. Maybe I can open up even more in the future, but I think it best if I don't dump too much on him.
Right now the twins are in Rel. Ed. so they can make their First Communion next year. I need to get them through that. I really can't rock the boat too much right now. However, I feel relieved he heard me and accepted what I said. I wish I still didn't have moments of panic where I'm afraid I'll end up in hell - whatever hell might be - and I wish I could learn to trust my inner voice. It's hard. This journey has taken more faith in a loving spirit than I ever needed to follow black and white rules that were laid out for me by someone else. I feel I'm getting stronger, but it's been a long, windy, bumpy path.
1 comment:
Twenty years ago an Episcopal woman priest and I started Sophia Center for just people, especially women, like you. They needed a safe place to sort out their struggles and questions about life and about their connection with the Divine. An uncensored place where they could rail, cry, laugh, be irreverent or what ever they needed without having to worry what anyone thought. I believe that human consciousness has come a far way from that time and has a long way to go. Many of the husbands of these women, back then, were suspicious while at the same time relieved because their wives could go through whatever it was without bothering them. Heaven forbid that they(the men) should attempt to explore the truth inside of them about their spiritual journey. They wanted to leave "well enough" alone. Women have always been the fermentation in the dough, so to speak, in order for the bread to rise, become its fullest and most robust expression so that it could really nurture. We are in a way, the sour dough starter. We long to be cared for, fed and tended to so that we can bring the bread and roses forth for our world. You are just plugged into the collective feminine mind and heart that is longing for more. You know there is more and you want to go out and find it. This is what Eve did in the garden story...all a metaphor, for the hunger we have to know and experience the More OF IT! I applaud you, Dear One, for your search and for fearlessly following the Holy Spirit to freedom, the kind of freedom the Holy One wants for all of Creation. You know you will always be met by resistance from those around you who are afraid to let go of the "securities" of what they think they know, for the feeling of fear of falling into the Great Unknown which is the Heart of the Divine. On my blog site in the "view my complete profile" link you'll find my e-mail address, if you ever want to talk further about your journey. You are very brave and wise to take the steps you have. The Divine would rather have someone consciously choosing to Love than one who does it because it is "the right thing to do."More will be revealed. Sr.K
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