From the comment yesterday:
"You have an inner guidance system that God has given you that is a good measuring stick for if you are headed toward or away from God's will: If you feel free and joyful and alive, you are moving toward God. If you feel depressed, fearful, depressed, burdened, you are not headed toward God. It is really that simple."
Looking at all I've written (I'm very wordy - it's hard for me to be concise), I sound sad, depressed, confused.
I'm not sad or depressed. Confused, yes. But not sad. For the first time in years I feel alive, joyful and free. Free to be confused. I see now how unhappy I was before. My husband has commented on how I was always angry, nit picky, fault finding. He says it's like a new me. The other day he was looking at me with an odd look in his eye. I asked him what he was thinking. He said he was thinking how I had just recently reminded him of the girl he used to date and married.
Me before I got so burdened down with sin, failing, not being just right. I was constantly at war with myself. I was trying so hard to control my passions, thoughts, ideas. My thoughts were proud, arrogant, willful, impure, and I was constantly at battle with them. Rarely did I have a day where I felt I was victorious. Prayer, sacraments, nothing seemed to help. Until I quit. Quit fighting me. I still get sad and fearful at times. But when I do I go outside, and just let it all sink in. It's so much easier to get back to joyful now.
A moment for me. We like old movies and re-watch them frequently. Anyway, we were watching The African Queen. I could have the scene wrong but I think it is where Charlie (Humphrey Bogart) got drunk, maybe, and Rosie (Katherine Hepburn) is lecturing him. He says something about it being natural. And she says, not verbatim, "that's what we were put in this world to rise above - nature".
And I said to myself, "Why?" Why are we always at odds with nature. Why not communion with nature. If God is in nature, Mother Earth, why are we always at odds. I want harmony.
I don't know where I'll end up on this journey, but I realized that after opening that door, I would never be able to return to where I came from ever, ever again.
2 comments:
oh I love this post !!
Somedays, I am still a little like you say - sad, fearful, burdened, confused & now after reading your post, I realize it is probably in part because I am afraid of failing, not 'doing it right'....
I am actually going to have to save this post of yours and read it everday! thankyou !!
communing with nature, when I am in the garden, I never, ever feel these things.. I am at peace.
oh & email me through my profile and I will tell you of a book that may help you with Mary Magdalene.
That's the thing about awakening. Once you have awakened you really can't not be awake to the more of it. Religions are not growing with the people for the most part, unless it is some new expression that isn't steeped in tradition and power-over by a few chosen to be the shepherds and the faithful being the sheep and blindly following them. You are beginning to think for yourself. The danger is, you may have to leave behind others who are still asleep. They slumber until something or someone awakens them. Jesus did that for the people his life touched. It was so powerful that it spilled over to many who had never met him except through the memory and life he shared with those he left behind. I think this is the way this beautiful soul continues to be enlivened in us. We have to have some way to experience him anew. It is just so hard to meet up with him when you have to wade through so much BS to get to the truth. This ongoing gift of Grace that you are experiencing now is because the Spirit leads you in the way of Wisdom. Wisdom is knowing with your heart. Sophia is singing the HeartSong's revolution within you now and this is the voice of truth you recognize and know. We walk together now towards the more of it. And believe me, when I say: more will be revealed....Blessings in your explorations
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