Outside is calling to me, but I had some thoughts. One of these has been hanging around in the back of mind for quite some time, but I have never given voice to it. I think it's time.
But first, I have met several wonderful people over the internet. Over at Xanga there are several people who have been real friends even though I've never met them in real life. They listen to me, I listen to them. There's no judgment or condemnation. Of course, only one is a Christian and she marches to her own drum. There's been times they've been my life saver. Just recently during some of my searches for other women who are following different religious paths, I met another wonderful woman. Sr. Kathryn has taken time to read my ranting and personally comment. I feel humbled at the help and time people who have never met me have been willing to extend. This is exactly that spirit, connection, divine power that I've been looking for. It does exist. I wish I could find words to describe what I mean. I see these invisible lines or circuits between people, and when we connect with others, those circuits just start sparking. I know that sounds loony, but it's the best I can come up with right now.
This is funny to me, and maybe it shows how far I've come. Sr. Kathryn mentioned some authors of which I was familiar with three. One of them more so than the others. Matthew Fox. But not in a good way. Where I came from - if the people were feeling charitable - he would be described as a lunatic who was being led around by Satan doing his bidding to the other extreme of 'somebody should do away with him to save the Church. Well, you get the idea. So when I saw his name I felt some shock. Then I stopped and thought. I can read whatever I want. It's not a SIN to read different points of view. Heresy is a perspective. I went to the library, looked him up. Our library system had many of his books, but my local community library only had two. I walked over and picked them up. It crossed my mind to hide them in my bag because I'm always running into neighbors (Regnum Christi if that means anything) up at this library, but I felt so liberated I walked right up to the counter and checked them out. I'll have more to say about the books, but after the introduction of Original Blessing I was feeling validated. I'm not alone. Of course, depending on who you are that might label me a heretic, but for me I felt a ton of sin, damnation, penance being lifted.
Reminded me of a short story from my past. When I first became part of the Catholic Homeschooling group we meet in each others' homes for tea. The first time they came to my house I was showing the women around when we entered an upstairs bedroom that has one wall lined with books. One of the ladies - I'd only met her once before - was looking over books and gave a small gasp when she found Hans Kung on my shelf. She told me she was rather shocked to see that. I probably gave some garbled answer like 'it was here when I moved in'. Lie - I bought it. She told me I needed to be careful what I surrounded myself with, books could be a huge danger to our salvation, it was our primary job to treasure and protect our faith, on and on. She advised me to throw it away because if I donated it I would be partly responsible for spreading lies and heresy to other innocent people. I did go through my books and get rid of quite a few. I didn't throw them away - huge sin in my book - but I did tear my name out before I gave them away. I'm sorry I was so easily intimidated by loud women.
Now the big thing I want to say. This is very, very hard for me. The thought has been in me for some time, but I have never said it. Since I have no one to say it to verbally, I will write it. I feel angry with the church. I feel hurt and in some odd way, betrayed. Now I feel embarrassed writing that. Who am I to feel hurt or betrayed? I'm just me, little me. And the church is the voice of God here on earth. The pope the vicar of Christ. The authority. There not here to make me happy but to help me get to heaven, and I'm complaining. Seems pretty immature and childish and selfish. But there it is. That is how I feel. The world is changing. People have changed. Our understanding has changed. While the church can clothe doctrine in different words and language, it doesn't change. I know the changes Vatican II brought in, but I'm talking something different. I'll have to think it out. But all around me I see unhappy, disgruntled Catholics who feel they have no voice. Most of the kids I went to school with (Catholic high school) or that I knew from college have left. Out of my husband's family of 14 children, only 4 still go to church. At the last reunion (30th) only 6 showed up for the Mass. Something is wrong. I don't know the answer to the big problem, but for me I need to find my own way. It felt good to say it.
Now, we have brand new baby chicks that need adoring, and my father-in-law will be celebrating his 90th birthday tonight. So I'm off to do important things.
1 comment:
20 years ago a women Episcopal priest and I joined forces and started Sophia Center because women wanted to be able to read books and discuss them without hiding what they were reading or apologizing for what they were thinking. Some very fine and dedicated church men and women have been silenced, bad mouthed, put out,rejected and excommunicated for speaking out and having a different point of view than the church. Look at Galleleo, Thomas Aquinus, DeChardin, Matthew Fox and others who are now exhonorated ( well, Fox is still in the Dog house.) Even Mary Magdalene has been freed of the label the church gave her way back when. Jesus himself was villefied and killed because he dared have the brazenness to speak his mind, which was different from the elders and teachers of his time. You don't have to look for approval from God and that is all that matters. There is a reason so many people have turned their backs on their church. Hundreds of Millions of people can't be wrong.It's the Spirit that is moving us all. I believe Jesus said it more than once: "Do not be afraid..."Let the Spirit continue to lead you. E-mail me your snail mail address and I'll send you some more books, if you'd like. This is a free country and you can read books and read any books you want. You have an inner guidance system that God has given you that is a good measuring stick for if you are headed toward or away from God's will: If you feel free and joyful and alive, you are moving toward God. If you feel depressed, fearful, depressed, burdened, you are not headed toward God. It is really that simple. "By their fruits you will know them.." I am cheering you on, this day, you can be like one healed by Jesus by standing upright from your bent and burdened position and walk, no..., run in the direction of the Light. Many blessings, Until next time.
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